I’ve just spent this fabulous three day weekend in an intensive journaling workshop in which individuals dig deep in to their subconscious and really do some very therapeutic and challenging psychological work. While today was very challenging and gave me painful insight in to my most important relationship with myself and my other most important relationship with the man I love, I also had some beautiful remembrances. Many things are far too personal to share here but over the next few days I feel it would be lovely to share some of the lighter entries from my spiritual journal. On a side note, if any of you ever have the opportunity to take a Progoff Intensive Journaling Workshop I would HIGHLY recommend it.
Today I was asked to recall an oxygen moment. An oxygen moment is a point in my life when I felt that everything was just as it should be and I felt completely whole. Once I had chosen a moment in my life, then I was to dialogue with that moment and reflect on what it had to teach me about my life today. So what follows is my dialogue with Costa Rica.
A: I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t think of the time I spent with you.
CR: I will forever live in you.
A: I believe that to be true. I became more spiritual and self aware after being with you.
CR: What moments do you remember?
A: That’s the amazing thing. I remember so much. I’ve held on to sensations, sights, sounds, people…even the looks of love on Adam’s face. They are all so vivid. They’ve become a part of me.
CR: Just tell me all the ones you can remember in the next 3 minutes.
A: I remember:
Waking to the monkeys dropping seeds on the tin roof
Kelly and her 2 hour massage
Bike rides to town
White water rafting and the abundance of trees
Sunsets at the ocean
Spiders on my face
Eating live termites
Cutting a coconut
The feel of a wax wing
Making love while Adam held me in a window
A car ride across the country
A neck brace
A love letter from Adam “I’ve never questioned you”
A cockroach on Adam’s face
Making love in flower petals
A natural hot spring
Feelings of being embraced in unconditional love
A 15 year anniversary dinner surprise
I could go on and on and on but my 3 minutes is up.
CR: Wow! You remember a lot!
A: Yes, more than any other trip and the funny thing is I only have about 6 or 7 pictures from this trip. I was just living it. Taking it moment by moment. And it’s stayed with me.
CR: What feeling did you leave with?
A: The feeling that Adam and I were so lucky to have each other. The knowing that I needed to simplify my life. I needed to spend more quality time with the boys and a knowing that nature is my healer.
CR: Why have you not come back?
A: Life changed
CR: Go deeper
A: Because I am afraid to feel that alive again. I’m afraid that I’m losing all I believed in.
CR: What do you know to be true today?
A: That nature is still my healer. Adventure still calls me. I can find wholeness again. I want Adam beside me the next time I visit you.
Feedback: As I read this I feel heavy that I’ve been neglecting a part of myself. Of course I don’t feel whole…I let nature go when I left Soldier Trail. I let adventure go when Adam and I pulled apart. I stopped growing when I stopped hoping for bigger things. I stopped healing in ways that are vital for me. I died.