Tag Archives: Family

He Said What?!?

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He Said What?!?

We were out mountain biking with some friends and J decided he needed to say something to my girlfriend, E.

J:  Can I give you a compliment?  
E:  Sure.
J:  You might want to know that you’re a chatterbox and talk alot.  
E:  Um.  Thanks.  Not sure that was a compliment.

On the way home, I wanted to clarify exactly what J had meant.

Me:  J, what do you think compliment means?
J:  It means you tell somebody something about themselves that they might not know and they need to know.  
Me:  Ah.  A compliment is actually saying something kind about someone.  
J:  Oops.
Me:  What were you trying to tell E? 
J:  That she talks too much.  I thought she might want to know.  I’m just not used to girls and how much they talk and I thought she should know.  I wasn’t trying to be mean but I wasn’t trying to compliment her either.  I guess I was informing.
Me:  Next time, shoot for the compliment.  

Lucky for me, E is super cool and I love that she’s a “chatterbox”.  


S:  Mom, I kind of like the word dick.  
Me:  Oh yeah, why is that?
S:  It just sounds cool.
Me:  I kind of like that word too.  
S:  If we like it, why can’t we just use it?  It sounds better than penis.  
Me:  People consider it to be vulgar.  It’s simply kinder in our society to limit our use of that word.  
S:  I guess that makes sense.  I just wish penis was vulgar and dick was kind.  


We were taking a family walk to the grocery store and I was really irritated and grouchy and kind of walking fast and angrily in front of the family.  And then G runs up to me and takes my hand…

G:  Mom, are you sad because you’re the only vagina? 

I cracked a smile at that unexpected question.

G:  I mean, if you look at our family there are 5 penises.  Well 6 if you count Decker’s (our dog).  6 penises and 1 vagina.  I’d be sad if I was the only vagina.  Actually you’re the only boobs too.  Wow, that’s sad.  
Me:  I don’t think I’m sad because I’m the only vagina and boobs.  But maybe I am because I was being grouchy at all the chaos and noise you boys (daddy included) make.  Thanks for noticing my sadness, G.  I love you.

Less than 12 hours later, I started my period.  That sent me in to a fit of laughter.  The accuracy of being the sad vagina in the family.


P:  Mom, no offense but your tummy is kind of fat.  
Me:  Oh, P, that hurt my feelings a little bit.  

P reaches over and gives me a big hug and his I’m sorry eyes.

P:  Well, maybe not fat.  It just looks like you’re growing another baby.


This is the boys’ favorite joke right now.  Enjoy.

After I say my line you say Ketchup and Rubber Buns.

Me:  What did you eat for breakfast?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for lunch?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What did you eat for dinner?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.
Me:  What do you do when an old lady passes you on the street?
You:  Ketchup and Rubber Buns.  

He Said What?!?

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The boys and I are visiting Tucson.  It’s the first time they’ve been back here since we moved almost 2 years ago.  Needless to say, there have been lots of conversations and these are some of the more humorous ones.

As the plane was landing in Tucson, I could hear people laughing in the row in front of two of my boys so I tuned in to what my boys were saying to cause this laughter.

S (age 8):  Ewwwww….Tucson is so ugly.  It’s just brown.  
G (age 7):  It is ugly.  Yuck.  I don’t remember it being so ugly.
S:  Yeah, why does any one want to live in a land full of this much dirt.  Tucson is a dirt city.
G:  And, it looks like it is hot.  Brown hotness.  Yuck

 

On the car ride from the airport to Grandma’s house:

J (age 11):  Can you take us to see our first home?
P (age 8):  I’m pretty sure I’m looking at my first home.  I’m pretty sure my first home was Mama.  

 

Heard in the back row as I was driving:

G’ma:  When I’m old I might do that.
S: But you’re already old!

 

The boys and I were watching Ace Ventura when a sex scene came on the screen:

Boys:  What are they doing?
Me:  They’re having sex.
Boys:  Really?!!!?  
Tons of giggles and yucks
G (age 7): G stands up frustrated, pulls down his pants and points to his erect penis:
This is what  happens to me every time someone talks about sex or I see it!  
Me:  That’s normal, G, and it’ll probably happen for the rest of your life.  
G:  Grunts and goes back to watching the movie.  

My youngest has an issue with dogs wanting to dominate him.  He makes friends with dogs and then suddenly they are humping him.  Some are even aggressive and pull him down to the ground from a standing position.  I swear he must have some canine pheromones running through his system or something.  As usual, G made friends with my brother’s dog and a few days later she was constantly harassing him by humping him.

G:  Mocha, you want to have sex with me so bad.  (With sad resignation in his voice) Fine, I’ll just have sex with you.  

 

He Said What?!?

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Watching Frozen in the movie theater and the scene when Anna completely freezes…

G:  Wow!  What a beautiful ice sculpture!

*Seeing as he completely missed the point, all the laughing people around us turned to see the little boy who was in full admiration of a frozen Anna sculpture.  So cute.

 

G:  Mom, I have a secret that I want to share with you.

Me:  I can’t wait to hear it.  

G:  I like a girl at school.  Like I have a crush on her.  

Me:  Oh, yeah.  Do you want to share who has your interest?  

G:  Her name is X.  Man, I really like her.  

Me:  What is it that makes her special and makes you like her more than other girls?

G:  You know, it’s because we like all the same things.  She likes to sing.  I like to sing.  She likes to draw.  I like to draw.  

Me:  That makes sense.  I’m glad you have a friend and that she happens to be a girl.

G:  Let’s just keep it a secret though.  Okay?  

Me:  Can I just tell Dad?  

G:  As long as he promises never to talk to me about it.

Me:  Okay.  I’ll only tell him if he promises.  Thanks for sharing with me, G.

G:  Can I give you a hug, Mom?

Me:  That sounds perfect.

 

I like to tease my sister about her lack of geographical knowledge.  We were once in NYC taking a bus tour and she turned to ask me when we were going to see the Eiffel Tower!  Here’s her latest one that cracked me up…

S:  Her teeth looked like…ummmm….what do they call those things?  The Stones of Hedgehog?

Me:  You mean Stonehenge?

S:  Yes.  Stonehenge.  

*Facepalm

 

*J just turned 11 and came home from school vomiting on his birthday.

Me:  I’m so sorry you feel so bad.  This must be a pretty bad birthday.

J:  It’s not the worst.  I have shelter and two loving parents.

Me:  Wow!  I love your perspective on life, J.  You’re beautiful.

 

Another frank conversation with G….

G:  Mom, do girls poop?

Me:  For sure.  Girls totally poop.

G:  Are you sure?

Me:  Absolutely sure.

G:  You’re a girl and I’ve never seen you poop so I’m not so sure girls poop.

Me:  Would you like proof?

G:  Yes.  Could you just show me next time you poop.

Me:  You’ll be the first person I tell next time I poop.  I’ll give you proof that girls do indeed poop.

G:  Deal.  Let’s shake.

 

 

 

He Said What?!?

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The boys love to wrestle with our 12-year-old male dog.  Lately Decker (the dog) has been wrestling G (age 7) to the ground and then proceeds to hump him.  G laughs and laughs because he thinks it’s so funny that Decker loves to wrestle with him.  He has no idea that he’s being dominated and played by the dog.  Recently we were watching a National Geographic special about the reproductive life of cats and dogs.  In the film, they show a male dog mounting a female dog and explain the nature of what was happening.  All the boys are laughing hysterically and then…

G:  Oh. My. God.  Ummmmm that’s what Decker does to me!    Oh. My. God.  Decker has been trying to have sex with me.  Oh.  My.  God.

Me:   Ding ding ding!!!!  

G:  Oh.  My.  God.                                    

Tonight, Decker grabbed ahold of G, pulled him to the ground and proceeded to hump him.  To which G responds with,

Decker, stop trying to put your seeds in me!  I am not a girl dog!

 

S (age 7) and I were walking to the car after school and I asked him about his day.  Here’s the conversation:

Me:  How was your day?  Anything exciting?

S:  No, just something sad.  

Me:  What happened that made you feel sad? 

S:  M has cancer.  

Me:  What?!?  Oh my goodness, that’s heartbreaking.  I’m going to have to call his mom and see how they are doing.  Such sad news.  I didn’t even know he had been feeling sick.    

S:  No, actually he’s doing okay, mom.  He came to school today with his head shaved.  He’s okay, though, because there was only one.  

Me.  So they only have one left to fight?

S:  No, shaving his head made it better.  But there’s more sad news.  A has cancer too.  He had his head shaved last night because he had more than one.

Me:  Wait, what?  Are you just joking with me?  It’s nearly impossible that A and M would both have cancer.  So they both shaved their heads?  

S:  Yes, because they were sick with cancer.  

(Lightbulb about recent email from teacher)

Me:  S, do A and M have lice?

S:  Yes!  Yes!  Lice, not cancer.  I got those confused because they both shave their heads to get better.  

Me:  Those are very different things, lice and cancer.  One is life threatening and one is just annoying.  So glad your friends just have lice.  You didn’t share anything with them today did you?  Lice is very contagious.  

S:  Hope I don’t have to shave my head!

Me:  Me too, S.  Me too.  But I’ll say that I’m super happy to shave your head if it means you only have lice and the rest of you is healthy.  

 

A few jokes that the boys have been making up around the dinner table:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he was eggcited to get to the other side

Why did the spider cross the road? 

To get closer to his website.  

Why did the tornado cry?

Because he got a tornado owie.

Ba dum dum ching

 

 

 

 

Moments – Choose Wisely

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This trip back home has been quite heavy for me.  It’s been a constant reminder of what has been lost.  imageI’ve had unexpected moments of pain.  Unexpected moments of choking back tears.  Moments like the one in which I walked in to my sister’s laundry room only to see the washer and dryer I sold her when we moved.  So much emotion filled me when I set eyes on them.   I clearly loved those workhorses so much that I had visions of  bowing down and worshiping them, giving them the reverence they so boldly deserve.  I choked back tears when I saw the little wooden chairs that used to sit so sweetly beside our pool, when I fed grapes to J’s chicken, Missy, and remembered all the nights he snuggled with her and doted on her.  Tears flowed freely when I could vividly see the twins as toddlers playing at the sand and water table, when I recalled the teeny tiny whisper of S’s voice as he climbed around the swingset repeating his mantra, “I can do it.  I can do it.”

It’s the sinking moment when I finally decided that it’s time to sell my wedding ring because diamonds are a luxury.  So a family member took it to get it appraised for me.  The learning to let go of ‘things’ that clearly is still necessary.   I haven’t had the strength to drive by the  home that houses so many of our wonderful memories. Too many lost moments to carry.  I’ve grieved for the millionth time when I’ve been surrounded by people who love me and love my boys.  People from their former school.  Family.  Friends that we love as deeply as family.   I’ve felt physically ill, pulling over to wretch, when I’ve driven past the places that sent our little cozy, comfortable world in a tailspin.  So many painful moments.  So much more growth to be had.

Yesterday, the final kick in the gut.  The last stone to be thrown.  A sucker punch so hard it barely left room for me to breathe. Hearing of changes at the former employer that would’ve been our changes.  The stock we lost and what it would’ve been worth today.  All the could-of-beens greedily taunting me.  The reminder of how quickly life changes.  The reminder that you can live 99.9% of your life being respected, admired, and good (for lack of a better word).  But lose yourself for that .1% and it can cost you everything that made your life comfortable.  In two minutes of misplaced emotion, all the security you have spent the last fifteen years working to achieve, is gone.  A million dollars instantly vanished.  Your home lost.  Your future damaged.  Eternally marred.

Those moments.  Those simple momentary lapses in judgement.

The moment you decide to have an affair (even after decades of fidelity).  That single moment will cost you everything that is important.   Woooooshhh…life has changed.
That moment when you take a risk and choose passion over responsibility.  You skip the contraception.  Wooooshhh….life has permanently changed.
That moment when you decide to take just one hit but quickly discover one hit is not enough.   Woooooshhhh…life has changed.
The moment you shoot off a quick text while driving and don’t see that red light.  That moment leaves you without a redeeming moment if it leaves you with any moments at all.  Wooooshhhhh….life has changed.

Our lives consist of countless moments.  Choose poorly for just one of those moments and all has changed.  Everything changed.  Everything.

It appears that we must choose all our moments wisely.  Always present.  Always aware.
The consequences are too large to be anything other than that.

My awareness is not always present.  But today it is.  Today I can understand the truth and the truth is this:
While the penalty for our 2 minute moment has been hefty, I still have this moment.  This very one.  And this moment is filled with more than money.  More than security.  More than a comfortable future.  This moment is filled with love.  And for that reason alone, I still have everything.

Boys wanted a crazy family pic and that's what we gave the camera!  Love my family

Boys wanted a crazy family pic and that’s what we gave the camera! Love my family