Lost and Found

I’ve had a few people mention to me lately that while reading my blog they can tell that I’m really lost right now.  In fact, I believe the opposite to be true.  I’m quite sure I’ve been found.  I’ve been lost for a long time.  Lost in religion.  Lost in my husband.  Lost in my family.  Lost in fear.

I still have fear.  My life has hit a low and it’s a scary place to be.  I find myself scared that grief will take longer to process than I would like.  I find myself fearful of setting out on a career journey.  I fear more loss than what I’ve already suffered these last 2 years.  I’m afraid that at some point it will be too much to recover from.  So while I’m still afraid, the difference is that I am no longer lost in fear.  I am no longer making choices in an effort to avoid fear.  Instead I am simply acknowledging that fear does indeed exist within me.  Bringing awareness to it has lessened its toxicity and allowed me to soldier on.  Almost mocking its incessant and unnecessary place in my life.

So you might still be thinking, “yep, this chic is totally lost!”  And I understand why you might think that.  Until one has experienced an awakening (usually during a time when life knocks you flat) it’s impossible to comprehend what kind of space and knowing can take root within oneself.  It’s true, I have no idea what tomorrow brings.  I have no idea what my future looks like.  I have no idea if I’ll be financially successful or even financially secure.  I have no idea how my relationships will be defined.  I have no idea what path I will venture on.  And which ones I will venture off.  I don’t even have any idea what sentence I will type next.  But I do know that each decision I make will be in sync with my integrity and my values.  And I do know that only I can choose what life I want to live.

That’s what I have found.  Me.  Instead of being lost to a set of morals, mandates, and societal standards dictated by those who believe they have some idea of who I should be, I have dug deep and come in to presence and an understanding with myself.  Amy is now defined by me and me alone.  The only set of standards I need to live up to are those dictated by me to me.  As self-centered as my philosophy may sound, I have witnessed that this way of living frees me.  I no longer apologize for being me.  I am unapologetically who I am and those who can appreciate that genuineness stick around.   This being found business frees me to love myself more, which in turn, allows me to love you more.  I don’t expect my standard for life to match your standard of life.  For my code of conduct to be identical to yours.  That’s what makes us each unique and keeps us curious about one another.  We’re different and equally beautiful.

I keep on keeping at this journey of mine and each day I find that I become more and more in tune with the life I want to live.  I’m sure that some of the choices I’ve made recently would make people question whether I’m lost or found.  I simply have dropped fear and started living.  In the last few months I have gotten a tattoo, got my tragus pierced (apparently I have very nice tragus!), died my hair purple, took my first motorcycle ride (thank you Tommy), signed up for an MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) course, bought tickets to a porn festival, set out to build my own headboard and did it, took a Progoff Intensive Journal Workshop, started reading spiritual books, switched over to a naturopath, started embarking on a career of life coaching, and am looking in to Reiki certifications.  All of these things may appear to be lost but the reality is that this is the most found I have ever been.  I’m being mindful to take the road that is best suited for me.  And that feels pretty damn good.